I'm Sorry, I Ain't Superwoman.
It's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write what I am feeling. More accurately, it's been a long time since I could write something that I felt comfortable sharing with the world.
Tonight, I am starting to find my voice again, and in some ways it has changed. So, I'll get right to it.
I am underappreciated.
I can go to the ends of the earth for so many people, and yet here I am treated like I’m last on the priority list.
As I broke down crying just last night about feeling like my worth wasn’t enough, my time wasn’t enough, my presence wasn’t enough, I realized that I can no longer give my all to so many people who only give me half in return.
I keep filling my cup up with watered down energy, in hopes that when I pour it into others, they won't notice I'm not fully nourished.
I keep hoping that in some magical way, someone will come over to me, fill my cup with strength and love, and somehow it'll make my cup seem more full.
I keep searching for this purpose in others. I keep searching to find people to validate that what I am doing is enough, and honestly here I am looking like boo-boo the fool.
So, here I am.
I am learning that no one will ever be there in life to constantly tell me that I am worth it all; except for me.
I am the only one who can sit down every day and truly appreciate everything I’ve done because I have to find worth in my self before I look for it in anyone else.
As a black woman, I fear that I’ve developed the complex that I have to be Superwoman. I have to give my time, my effort, my love, my strength, my money, and my soul so that everyone else around me feels like they are complete.
I look at myself in the mirror every day, and apart of me feels empty. I feel incomplete and overworked, and I say “woe is me.” I cry about it, get mad about it, and then start the next day giving everyone else what they want and need.
I take all of the broken pieces of myself and try to let someone else glue them back them together, but they don't know where all the pieces fit.
Here I am. I am left half empty, half put together, half of myself and the woman I am trying to become.
Here I am trying to be superwoman
So, from now on. I’m sorry, but I ain’t superwoman. I will not wake up every morning, put on my cape of fake got-my-shit-togetherness. I will not throw an S on my chest and yell from the rooftop that I can help everyone and everything without sacrificing my own happiness and peace. I will not fly from person to person inquiring about how I can fix it all, because honestly… I’m broken myself.
With that being said, I am still me. I will still be helpful, show love, spread joy, but sometimes that can’t be all of the time. We have to stop this notion that we have to be everyone’s everything when we can’t even be one thing for ourselves.
We have to remember that as a human being, we are not superheroes. We don’t have indestructible bodies, emotions, or spirits. My limitations exist and I own them. I own that my grind does need to stop, I do need time to myself, I do need a break.
So, yes. I will give myself to those who need me… but I’m retiring my cape once and for all… because Sorry, but I ain’t Superwoman.