Confessions of A Lukewarm Christian
Last weekend I went to a funeral. As I woke up to attend the funeral I was dreading to have to smile and nod my head, scream and shout at every song of worship, and pretend that my relationship with God was up to par. Then the pastor said something and it caught my attention. “However you enter this service, be your authentic self. If you want to cry, let the tears flow. If you want to shout and scream, do so with no limitations. If you’re so angry… curse if you need to. Whatever you do be your authentic self.” These words were something I rarely heard in an authentic fashion. I always heard, come as you are, but never really felt as if that was an option. See, my relationship with Christianity has shifted drastically in the last few months. As I become more rooted in the person I want to be, I find myself less attracted in going to church, playing the role of a Christian, and pretending I don’t question God’s plan every day. It became so bad, that I learned how to play “church” so well, I lost sight of God. I feel like as a generation, we have come to this conclusion that we have to portray the image of being this “hipster Christian.” We have to have the highlighted bible, with the coffee shop backdrop, and weekly bible studies that discuss being a youth so on fire for the Lord. In reality, that’s not everyone’s Journey… and I no longer want to be afraid to talk about it.
In reality, people go through tribulations, and their hearts begin to harden, they begin to question the “why” of God’s plan, and I don’t know why we’re told that’s not okay.
No one is perfect, and as Christians, maybe if we stopped trying so hard to pretend to be immaculate mini Jesus’s, and just lived authentically for the Lord… we wouldn’t have so many issues in the church.
For me, trauma began to make me resent God’s will, his plans, and his path for me. I thought to myself “If God is so good, why is he doing this to me? Have I not been a faithful servant?”
As that question resonated more and more in my head, I began to say “F’ck God” in all aspects of my life in private, and just pretend that I was still with him in public. I began to be good at being a Lukewarm Christian. I could go to church, sing the songs, raise my hand, shout a little, say “Amen and Hallelujah”, but on the inside, I could care less. As the girlfriend of a double preachers kid, Sunday Service with his family began to become a systematic routine. I used to go through the steps in my head. 1. Wear this dress,” mid-length hemline, high neckline.” 2. Pin your hair up, “can’t be too curly, can’t be too straight.” 3. Nod at this person, “smile or they will think you’re a bitch”. 4. Stand up during this song. “Pretend to enjoy it, only three more minutes left.” 5. Smile and Clap during this message. “Can’t be the girlfriend of a preachers son and not
catch the holy ghost every service. 6. Socialize after service. “Only ten more minutes.” 7. Next Service, Repeat This routine became so second-nature, I could probably pull off the role of a first lady. But that was the issue, I didn’t want to play the part of a Christian anymore, I wanted a relationship with God, but I was and still am so far removed, every time I try… I fall short. Conversations about politics, homosexuality, pre-marital sex, etc. they all anger me. I’m liberal, I’m an empath, I believe that judging one person for one “sin” and ignoring the other sin because it’s more acceptable is appalling. As I sit at the dinner table after church I listen as people begin to gossip, talk about single mothers, politics, wrong-doings of others, someone else’s dress being too short at service, and I want to scream. I come from a single mother, unwed, pregnant at 19… and when the church claimed to accept me and my family, I often felt ashamed of my background because of that very institution. I say all of this to say… I’m tired of being a lukewarm Christian. I’m tired of pretending and playing “church”. As Christians, the Lord calls us to love above all else. Instead of trying to focus on how a Christian “should be”, we should focus on our relationship with God and how we can show love to others. I’m done walking into the church and feeling like I have to transform myself to be accepted by people, when really the only I acceptance I need is from Jesus. Although I still struggle with trusting in God, I know that the less I focus on trying to fit the mold of being a “good Christian” and the more I focus on my path with him… maybe I can rekindle the passion I had for the Lord. Peace & Love, D