The Master Artist: Confessions Of A Lukewarm Christian Part 2
Disclaimer: Before you read this, I suggest you read my post “Confessions of A Lukewarm Christian” for insight.
“'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?' That's what Jesus said on the cross before he died. 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' Job asked the question too. But he kept the faith. And what did he get for it? Replacement children. PTSD. Was it worth it to have been a faithful servant? Or would it have been better to just curse God's name from the beginning? Where was God throughout all of Job's suffering and pain? He was winning a bet with Satan.” - Grey’s Anatomy
What do we do when we feel like God is gone? What do we do when we feel like he’s tearing our life apart and we don’t know why?
This question has been sitting in my head for the past few weeks.
I thought maybe he was giving me a wakeup call, telling me to listen to him, telling me I was so lost in my own plans that he had to show me in a drastic way that he had other plans. I thought that...but apart of me couldn’t believe that. A part of me couldn’t accept that and thought, this has to be my punishment.
It made me ask, Where was God when I was going through heartbreak, Where was God when I felt pain and sickness, Where is God when I feel my most alone… Where is he now?
But as the weeks have progressed, I’ve been left to discover his voice in the midst of the silence. And sometimes silence is a beautiful thing. In fact, this has been the loudest silence I’ve ever heard.
God has been showing me his voice, his plans, and his path for me in ways I did not want to see at first. At my lowest points the past couple of weeks, I felt as if I was too much of a mess for him to love me, for him to care. But don’t we all feel like a mess sometimes?
And I don’t mean in a way where we forget our keys in the grocery store or lose a homework assignment. I mean when we stray so far off of a path, stray so far from who we want to be, that when we look in the mirror we see our own face but our soul is blurred.
We feel as if our mess is so big, that we are so messed up that there is no way God would want us or want to fix us. But in this silence… I’m here to tell you that is not true.
Since I love art, I like to think of life and God like this. God is the master artist… and he turns our messes into a masterpiece. No mess is too big, no mess is too damaged, because in our own time God allows us to be a mess and a masterpiece at the same time.
He slowly paints strokes of love, happiness, pain, joy, heartbreak, loneliness, and so much more until the picture is clear. And that is so beautiful.
When I think of the story of Job… how he lost everything, how he was so faithful, I truly don’t think at the moment I am ready to say I would react the way Job did.
I question God still, I question why certain things are happening, why he is removing and reentering certain people in my life, why I feel the way I do, why in the middle of a crowd I can still feel so alone.
I question why I am a such a perfectionist. Why I don’t like messing up. Why I fall apart at the thought of displeasing others…Why I have to be so in control.
In fact, most people see me and think I do have control or that my life is together. But in all honesty right now, at this very moment… my life is in shambles. I used to be ashamed to admit that, but now I have no problem saying that I am a mess.
I feel like God took all the good things in my life and threw them out, then left me here to put the pieces back together. I feel like God left me and I didn’t know where to go from there.
But I’ve also learned that God takes things away and we aren’t supposed to understand, God gives us hardships and we aren’t supposed to understand.
God gives us tests so that we can have a testimony.
Art isn’t always meant to be understood by other people. Other people may look at your canvas, see a mess, and say you’re not worthy to be called art.
But God… he sees all of the potential, all of the paint, all of the chips, all of the mistakes and he says “You’re not worthy to just be called art… you’re worthy to be called my masterpiece.”
Peace and Love, D.