Updated: May 28, 2019
****Disclaimer: This is an extremely vulnerable and honest piece. This piece is my heart cry. ****
Last week, being the clumsy woman that I am, I accidentally knocked over a decorative pot.
As I quickly reacted, trying to avoid the aftermath of an accident I caused, I moved my feet back to avoid the glass that would soon be shattered all over the ground.
As I picked up the larger pieces, I somehow thought that sitting on the floor with an old hot glue gun would fix this pot that was now shattered into multiple pieces on the ground.
I, the person who broke the pot, could not fix it no matter how hard I tried.
However, with a fresh pair of eyes and a different type of glue, eventually, the pot was somewhat healed.
I could still see the breaks and the cracks but at least it was put back together.
I say all of this to say that, lately the quote that’s been on my mind the most is really impacting how I’m approaching this next chapter of my life.
“You cannot heal in the same environment where you were broken.”
Lately, I have been in this phase of major self-doubt, rejection, fear, and uncertainty.
I felt like I couldn’t win at anything, I was slowly being hammered at... and eventually, I cracked.
So here and now I’m telling you all, I am not just broken, I am shattered.
My pieces, my glass, my elements, they’re all scattered around and I am unable to fix them… because I’m still in the environment that broke me.
I’m still breathing, eating, talking in, working, and trying to push through in an environment that truly took my whole self and tore it apart.
I looked to God and I asked why?
Why take someone who’s been broken before, who’s just got all of the pieces back and then break her even more.
Because being broken? Being broken is a heartache I can’t explain.
But being shattered is when you can’t repair things without bringing new pieces into your life.
The cracks that exist in my soul can longer be filled with glue or tape.
I need new pieces.
And I have to go somewhere else to get those.
So, this is for everyone who feels like they’ve been broken or shattered in the last few months.
Maybe you’ve been putting glue or tape in between the cracks to just wake up every day and keep going.
That repair is great… for the moment.
But as people; as a mind, body, and soul… we can’t just be repaired, we have to be healed.
That means you can’t stay in the same place that broke you.
And it’s hard to admit, isn’t it?
Hard to admit that your soul is shattered?
Hard to look people in the eye and pretend to be happy … again. Pretend to be okay… again. Pretend you don’t hurt.
It’s hard to let people ask questions behind your back, pity you, talk about your struggles without actually caring about them.
We all spend so much time trying to convince everyone else that we’re okay, we forget to ask ourselves if we really are.
So, as I’m on a flight home, I’m letting you know that it’s okay to get out of the environment that broke you.
It’s okay to take a break.
There is no shame.
It does not make you weak, sensitive, or damaged goods.
In fact, it makes you the strongest person in the room.
About a month ago I sat in my room about to go to sleep with a plan to not wake up.
But God told me no.
He told me he was not finished with me yet. He told me to fight. He told me that others may not see my worth, I may not see my purpose, others may not understand me, others may abandon me or not walk with me when things get hard, but HE will.
You are no longer allowed to say that you have no one.
If you feel broken if you feel shattered if you feel like damaged goods...
Hey. Nice to meet you. I do too.
I will walk with you until we learn to walk on our own again.
I no longer accept myself being shattered glass just scattered across the floor.
I’m healing. I’m getting a fresh pair of eyes. I’m ordering new pieces (and I’m pretty sure the shipping time is a long wait.)
But eventually, they will get here.
Eventually, those new pieces will not just replace the cracks and holes that myself and others have put there; It will heal them.
So for now, I’m okay with being broken.
I’m okay with having cracks.
I’m okay with being shattered glass.
Because even shattered glass still shines.
Peace & Love, D.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicide please contact the suicide prevention hotline. 1-800-273-8255.