Change Gon' Come: Losing Control

I am a control freak.

If there is a planner in sight, I’ve written in it.

If there is something to be organized, I’ve organized it.

If there is something to be thought about, I’ve overanalyzed it, second-guessed my second guess, and overanalyzed it again.

You get the picture?

I like routines.

Things have a place, I have a schedule, I have a routine.

When things start to change… I start to panic.

So, as I was about to enter the year 2019; new planner in hand, colored pens in sight, hope and optimism and perfectly planned schedules at the tips of my fingers...life gave me a wakeup call.

Actually, life gave me a farm rooster, with a microphone, attached to a Coachella stage worth of speakers.

Being the planner that I am, my life slowly started falling apart. Piece by piece, accomplishment by accomplishment, hope by hope.

Eventually, my schedule and perfectly manicured routine turned into me staying in the bed 16 hours a day hiding under the covers.

But hey that’s life.

Change happens.

Unexpected things happen.

God laughs at plans, and I’m convinced he thought my life was an award-winning act at the Comedy Club.

Here he was, turning my life upside down… and trust me… it’s wasn’t that funny to me.

I was hitting rock bottom, and then I found out rock bottom had a basement.

Who knew?

But why is it so hard to accept change?

See, I don’t think it’s really about change at all, it’s about unexpected change.

You get a new job that you applied for? You’re excited. It’s a good change!

Graduation coming in May? You have a job offer or grad school under your belt? See y’all at homecoming in ten years with my Tesla and Essence magazine husband.

But what about the changes that we don’t see coming?

The changes that knock us off of our feet, and turn our stable routines into chaotic messes?

How do you go from something being constant, guaranteed, and for sure, to something else you don’t even recognize?

You lose control.

Most of the time it’s not by choice.

You lose control in an uncontrollable way.

And for me, that was the hardest part.

It was the hardest part of my break up.

The hardest part of being rejected by organizations.

The hardest part of not having any control over my physical or mental health.

Losing control was my downfall, but it’s also been my biggest come up.

Losing control isn’t always a bad thing. Relinquishing your rights to life… it’s a good thing.

Even when it feels like the end of the world.

Change is the start of a new season.

Change will show you that you are stronger than you believe.

God will take you out of your comfort zone because you don’t grow when you’re comfortable.

And when you don’t grow, you don’t really live.

So, yes.

It’s okay to lose control.

It’s okay to not have everything figured out, it’s okay to hit rock bottom and stay in the basement for a little while.

Because while you’re sitting in the basement, while you’re unable to climb to the top; God is reworking the house.

He’s rebuilding the foundation. He’s manicuring the lawn.

He’s doing that so when you actually get to recover and climb back up, you enter a house that’s healed, a house that’s whole, and a house that’s built for you.

I already know God has something in store for me. Even if it’s not in my control.

So, here is my affirmation, or more so, my warning…

For everyone who delighted in my downfall watch out.

Because now, It’s my comeback season, and I ain’t even fully recovered.