Updated: Jun 24, 2020
It’s been a minute since I have written anything.
Let me explain.
Somedays I am terrified to create. I feel like the pain, frustration, honesty, rawness of shit that happens in life, is too much for the perfectly crafted package I try to present most days.
But we can have honest moments here. Right?
I think I’ve said this multiple times, but damn I am a mess. And this semester was no different.
Why are we so afraid to admit that we are all a little crooked?
I love a good highlight reel of life, but I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
I was thinking the other day, that God really allows us to be a mess because he is the put together one.
We don’t have to keep seeking perfection, because he’s already that for us.
I used to be embarrassed to admit that I had issues or that I was human.
I was trying so hard to prove to others and God that I was not a waste of time.
But that type of shame that I feel, that we all feel sometimes, doesn’t help.
As humans, we are designed to connect with others, designed to share our stories, and help others.
And if we are all trying so hard to go public with our highlights, and private with our struggles, don’t we all end up feeling alone anyway?
If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when I am weak, I see God the strongest. And he speaks to me when I feel like life is hitting me the hardest.
So yeah, I am a mess. I am crooked. I go through stuff I wish I didn’t. I can be toxic myself.
People will always throw stones at that.
But I think sometimes we should all take those hits so others don’t feel so alone.
Everybody’s crooked. Some just do a better job of hiding it.
There’s no shame in being a mess. There is no shame in letting go of things that you used to be or want and finding newness in growth.
I am letting go of people who I used to consider friends, who I just don’t anymore.
I am letting go of the idea that I have to have a 4.0 to be successful.
I am letting go of the idea that people have to accept me for me to be seen as worthy.
I am letting go of the love that does not serve me anymore.
I am letting go of the idea that I do not deserve good things.
Most importantly, I am letting go of the idea that I am NOT a hot ass, crooked, mess.
And that’s okay.
As a woman, I am learning that I will constantly be recycling past versions of myself until I find a happy balance.
And that’s okay.
Peace & Love, D
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