I have an addiction.
Actually several addictions.
Anxiety Medication (whoa right), Coffee, Pinterest, Sleeping Pills, Netflix on multiple occasions.
The main one being; attaching to things that I believe I am ready for (because they fit someone else’s timeline), that I am not actually ready for.
Whether it’s a job, taking on new responsibilities, relationships, the future, grad school…
I am addicted to moving forward, renewing myself, and constantly reinventing who I am.
And I realized I usually do this; jump the gun, attach too quickly, dive deep into new adventures because I am bored, or lonely, or comparing myself to people who have completely different dreams, goals, and timelines than I do. But mainly because I feel alone.
And loneliness mixed with addiction is lethal if you let it be.
So, although this isn’t an addiction to alcohol or heroin, or sex. It still hits me with an aching pain.
I can’t detach from it.
Because even though it can destroy me 99.9% of the time, damn the 1% high feels so good.
When I feel like I am on top of the world, on top of my stuff...
When I am experiencing new love, find a new passion for a job, conquering the tasks of a 1,000 superwomen, or discovering myself yet again. I feel like I am truly invincible.
But eventually the high fades. The passion disappears, I am no longer satisfied with who I am, the love from other people isn’t fulfilling, or I look at others and I don’t feel adequate.
In that moment, I realize that my addiction has conquered me once again, and I try to reach sobriety. But oftentimes, I fail.
Oftentimes I seek a recipe of the right amount of blue pill, red pill, green pill that’ll either help me through or end it all. That recipe I never get right. That recipe is when I’m at my lowest.
So, why is it that we, actually I,(because I often try to project my inner demons onto others so that I feel like I’m not alone), am always thinking I am ready for things I am not ready for?
I think it’s because I long and crave to be at the next level before I’ve even discovered the perks and lessons of the current level I am on.
And I am only human. It’s in my human nature to continue to strive for more. It’s natural to want to manifest more than we can even grasp sometimes. Enough is never enough.
But as I sit in a pool of my own vomit from overdosing on ANYTHING that makes me feel less pain from the world, from my health, from my emotional traumas, I realize that sobriety is the only option, or else I will die. In more ways than one.
I have to stop reaching for things that God has not placed in my life yet. Because when I do, he quickly shows me that I wasn’t ready for it yet, and I have much more to learn before I am.
I have to stop trying to force people, places, things, and goals that are not in store for me yet, because the addiction of constantly wanting to reach for the woman I KNOW I will be, doesn’t mean I won’t kill myself in the process and end up never getting there.
I’ve got no more excuses. The shakes, the cold sweats, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the depression. Metaphorically and Literally they are chipping away at the Daizha I used to know and love.
I have to apologize to God; for not loving the journey he gave me.
I have to apologize to my sisters; for shutting them out when they so desperately just want to help.
I have to apologize to my friends; for not being there because I had to constantly be better, had to constantly push myself beyond the brink. I have to apologize for not being honest about most friendships no longer existing anymore.
I have to even apologize to my family for pretending I was perfect and okay when I wasn’t.
But I also have to forgive.
I have to forgive myself for not being everything to everybody.
I have to forgive myself for just being me, in all the uncut, unedited, raw, and rooted glory that God gave me.
I have to forgive myself; because addiction is lethal.
And being sober is my only option.
Peace & Love, D