That Girl Is Poison
“when I hit the rock bottom
that exist after the rock bottom
and no rope or band appeared
i wondered
what if nothing wants me
because I do not want me”
- i am both the poison and the antidote
Rupi Kaur
When I look into the mirror, I think I see two different versions of myself.
I think I see that I am good, and I am evil.
I see hope and I see despair.
I see the disease, and I see the cure.
It makes me wonder how on earth we are supposed to “find ourselves” when there are so many different versions of us that exist.
I’m learning more and more that there are so many different versions of myself growing and dying, disappearing and reappearing… I’m not sure which one I like, or which one I want to be.
My friends tell me that I am good. That I am hope, light, and positivity.
And sometimes they tell me, the ones brave enough at least, that I am not all of those things. In fact, sometimes I am the opposite.
One said something in particular that stuck out in my mind, left my thoughts wondering and racing without stopping.
“Daizha sometimes you’re your own poison. You spend hours overthinking, overfeeling, and no sickness is killing you, you are.”
Damn….Right?
Read me to filth why don’t you.
Defensive at first, I realized that this person, someone who knows me better than most was telling the truth, a truth I couldn’t handle, and a truth I didn’t want to see.
So yes, sometimes I am my own poison, and poison is toxic.
I believe that God created us, knowing that we all have the capability to be both the poison and the antidote.
And the reason we are this way is because he wants us to realize that in the end he is indeed the actual antidote.
We spend hours, months, years even, searching for answers in self-help books, “deep tweets”, Those cool Instagram quotes from beautifully photographed people, astrology, relationships with people, and whatever other cool self-care trend is currently on the rise.
Then we wonder why we are still empty when we fill ourselves with fluff of nothingness, instead of the water that we actually need.
We pour emptiness into empty cups and then wonder why we aren’t fulfilled.
Because sometimes it’s hard to face, that the self-help that you need isn’t self-help at all, it’s something deeper, it’s something more permanent. It’s a true antidote.
It’s God.
And as someone who can be just as poisonous as I can be pure, it’s hard to admit when you are the one responsible for your own demise.
God’s not always the face mask, candle, and chamomile tea I want, but he is always the restoration I need.
And I don’t know how to need him while giving up what I want.
And I’m realizing that for now, that’s okay. Because I’m working on it.
But just like a honey bee, their sting and venom tucked tightly to themselves, poison can exist in every creature.
They can live with it.
Until they sting someone else.
And just like the honey bee, I don’t think I could live with my poison being someone else’s pain.
So, I’m learning to live with my poison, and finding the antidote somewhere beyond the universe.
Because the creator is so much better anyway.
Peace & Love, D.